The thing I fear most in life is to lose my smile - It’s the most terrifying feeling ever! The moment I start to sense that this is happening I start to panic. Over the past two years I have seen myself get a little bit more serious about life and I’m starting to worry. It’s almost as if a part of my soul is slowly dying. I feel that if my mother were here I would never be afraid and I wouldn’t feel this way at all because she makes my soul smile all the time.
Now that she is not here it feels as though I’m surrounded by people who take life too seriously and as though I’m the only one laughing at life. I hate it, because I don’t constantly want to be the only one laughing. I think the fact that I’m constantly aware of this helps, because when I feel like my fire is taken out of me I just take myself out of the situation and spend some alone time. It’s not easy though.
My mother has told me that we are the only ones who create our own happiness and that we shouldn’t rely on others to make us happy. I agree with her, but I feel that without her here, a big part of my happiness fades. Does this mean that I am relying on her for my happiness? She is an angel though. I feel that wherever she is present there is light and joy. It’s hard to not be surrounded by that all the time. I fear that I am losing my smile and it makes me so unhappy and scared. I don’t know what I would do if this had to happen…
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